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it’s in you not outside of you

Up until this point I’ve realized that my drive and motivation kept coming in waves. It was never a constant flow of dedication; it was either the highest of highs or lowest of lows.

Whenever the inspiration faded, I was stuck lying there waiting for it to come again. I was searching and relying on something or someone outside of myself to give me the inspiration I needed to get back in the flow. When it left, I felt defeated. I even deleted my social media apps a couple of times because my pride had me feeling embarrassed and shameful for looking at others live out their dreams while I’m still seeking the drive to consistently chase mine. I became fearful and doubtful and hid myself.

Then I watched this video titled ‘discipline is freedom’ where the speaker explains how we can’t rely on outside sources to give us the motivation we need to dedicate ourselves to our goals and dreams. Saying that it’s our responsibility to create discipline in the areas where there is none and rely on ourselves to reignite that flame inside of us.

After hearing those words, everything made sense. I kept repeating in my head “it’s up to me”.

I realized that I have the motivation I’ve been seeking. I am my own inspiration and the passion I have never left me. I thought I could get by on waves of inspiration, instead of creating the discipline to be consistent, motivate, and push myself- but it doesn’t work that way.

The feeling of depression comes in many forms, and this played a huge role into mine.

I can no longer indulge in self-pity. I will no longer allow depression to defeat me. I will no longer solely depend on outside sources to bring me motivation, I have to create it. It’s in me not outside of me.

Jada Counts

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