Where do you go when you’re running from your past?
When you’ve touched so much gold but can’t stop looking back?
Last night I had a dream that I was watching my journey from the perspective of my Higher Self - almost like an outer body experience. I was replaying the last 3 years of my life - watching myself take big tumbles and getting up to take even bigger strides. I was happy for myself but I still had a hint of confusion. That’s all I can remember from that dream. I woke up confused like what? Shouldn’t I be filled with pride? Why does something feel off? I realized I’ve found myself in this mindset of RUN, hastily moving from point A to point B. There’s times I stop and recognize my growth, how far I’ve come and how proud I am of the woman I’ve grown into. But what I can’t shake is this urgency.. this fear I’ll end up right back where I started. Lack mindset. It was the fact that although I was taking big steps, they were scattered. I’d been making decisions based in fear. My steps were frantic and heavy.. weighed down by my fear of ending up back where I’d came from. I could never outrun my past because I was taking it with me every where I went. It felt like a chain and ball attached to my ankle not allowing me to fully enjoy the milestones and goals I’ve reached. Because what if it dragged me back?
As the symbolisms from my dream set in I processed that the past is a mental state, physically I could never go back. I mean I could.. but I’d never go back as the same person. I’m stronger, wiser, I’m more resilient. Now, I am equipped with everything I didn’t have to save myself back then. I think coming into this realization has helped me ease my anxieties a lot more. It’s teaching me to believe in my growth and bask in it. When we grow up on survival and not love, we are so used to waking up everyday with the mindset of “fight or flight”. Spending so much time dreaming of getting out of these toxic households, out of the hood, out of poverty, out of depression, that we physically CANT take time to live in our present truths. It’s like when our ancestors were finally freed from slavery. They were happy of course, but had no clue where to go or what to do with this newfound freedom.. so much to the point where some of them stayed under the guise of oppression. And the others freed themselves physically but were still mentally captive to the pain and trauma they’d endured 500+ years before. My entire healing journey has been about taking accountability for the woman I’m growing into despite what I’ve been through in the past.. so as always I am learning. Last nights dream taught me about patience and compassion. I don’t have to just survive anymore.. I am free to live and love knowing I’m headed towards my destined greatness no matter what. It’s just something I’m not used to. I’m learning to break the chains of survival. To put my shields down. And to stop running so frantically towards my future and step with intention.. because I have generations behind me that will need a steady path to follow.