cNOnection [love isn’t enough]
taking my every move personal as if you don’t understand the
flow of life,
the principle of embracing the unknown & just being
ironically speaking, because you were the one who taught me the
lesson of presence
contradicting the experience
are you just a facade since we’re just a disillusionment
you’re a mirror reflection of my shadow
my higher self feels so unseen
meant to be the karmic blessing of this stage of metamorphosis
but it’s keeping me trapped in the chrysalis of the identity of
the old me
trigger the unhealed wounds to the surface
i’ll shed gratitude as you unravel me
my wings will spread into two like nuun
for i’ll be the ultimate extension & expression of polarity
journeying with innerstanding that my soul is the real me
A letter to a lover I've experienced that I can no more,
Since the day I met you, I've felt drawn to you. Like I had to be close to you for some reason, which is the true reason why I would always sit behind you in class. I've always had this desire to figure you out & one day say I know the real you. I've always admired your mind, & how for once I could connect with someone who seemed so familiar because I saw me. Literally ever since our first time crossing paths, I've felt like my opportunity to do that was cut too short, & I’ve been resentful.
Having you come back into my life this time felt like justice. I've known from the beginning of rekindling that it was divinely orchestrated, so I consciously chose to show up for you now differently than I ever have for you, or for anyone. I'm at a place in my journey right now where I would feel lost & at a loss, but I have more of my soul than I ever have, so Micayla finally feels found. I've never had this much of me to be able to approach love this way. I thought for my efforts, God was about to shock me & change my mind... that narrative I've had for years that I'm unlovable, unseen, unheard, unappreciated (which rooted from my family) would be proven wrong. That’s why I looked at every trigger our connection presented as an opportunity for growth because they revealed so many of those wounds that needed to be healed before God could change my mind... by healing them, when our “something” turned to “everything” I’d deeply know I AM so deserving of this love that I’ve been desiring since a kid.
What hurts the most about ending this is that. The fact that I genuinely tried so hard to an extent I don't think you’ve really FELT. You’ve triggered some of the darkest parts of me, mirrored my shadow self, & had me face some of my deepest fears/insecurities, & through all I've been facing internally, I've still CHOSE to show up for you & extend myself to you. The fact that you’ve acted how you have is the biggest slap in the face... you proved my narrative right, but I refuse to believe it anymore because it no longer resonates. I am grateful for everything you’ve revealed to me & helped me heal... like now I understand my anxious attachment style, you taught me the lesson of presence, the first night you were over you taught me gratitude, etc. The list in my notes “things I've learned about Micayla” goes on & on because of you. Thank you.
Your last words to me just go to show me that you paid attention enough to know EXACTLY what I desire, EXACTLY how I want to be talked to, & EXACTLY what reassurance I've needed. You just didn’t give a fuck enough to put forth that effort to make me feel seen, heard, loved, & cared for... until now when you see I’ve detached. I have no choice but to put my mind over matter. It’s far too late for you to express your true feelings to me now, so as much as I am touched by your words, they mean nothing. I never expected perfection or thought that I was, which is why I've continued to move forward with you for months carrying such heavy, uncomfortable feelings. I wish my willingness was reciprocated, but I understand that you’re not in a place mentally or spiritually to surrender to that same willingness.
The love in your heart for me amounts to nothing compared to how spiritually driven I've been loving you. This letter doesn’t amount to the level of hurt I've suppressed from you. You’ve presented yourself to me as this spiritually driven individual, but the red flags are a clear indication to me why I have to cut ties with you because your soul is not on the same vibration as mine; if it was you would’ve never moved so disrespectfully no matter how upset with me you were in the moment. The fact that you’d see me go the extra mile to be intentional about my morning routine to put myself in a good headspace & still chose to poison my energy throughout the day indicates to me that you don’t see me; if you did you would’ve saw the old Micayla doing her best to have a sound mind because you would’ve remembered all the dark, low battles she went through with mental health to get to this point of being able to control her energy & emotions.
I love you more than you’ll ever know, but my presence has too much power & purpose for relationships that keep me trapped in the identity of the old me. I'm at a point where I feel it in my spirit, which explains being unsettled, that I've overcome this cycle. It’s become too familiar-- these angry spazzes of communication are the old me. This anxiety is the old me. This settling for behaviors that are less than what I deserve is the old me. I'm unsettled because my spirit has been frustrated that I haven't moved. I owe it to myself to protect my peace. Love isn’t enough.